when I grow up, I want to live in a house where there are no soup spoons.

Ok, a final random thought… have you guys seen the Nick Jr. show Lazy Town!? That show is one step down from the psychedelia that is Boobah. It’s some crazy kids show made in Iceland where a little girl coexists with these puppets. No, I’m not talking Mr. Rogers’s style crappy hand puppets where he cleverly supplied all of the voices (he had me going for 20 years.) These puppets are big, and the show uses trance music and dancing to get across some ridiculous message to the kids that love the show.

from -- http://theauburner.com

I think the craziest children's television always comes from the same formula:
20% real people
50% cartoons, puppets, or other fictional characters
30% real people interacting with cartoons, puppets, etc.

Examples:
Gullah Gullah island (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wow3g5rGw5Y&feature=related)
Sesame Street (the proportions are a little off here, with the rate of puppets increased to about 70%)
Lazy Town (wins award for least lifelike puppets. Also, did you know: filmed in Iceland.)
Blues Clues (the formula was a little different with this one too. 100% real person interacting with animated characters/set. Definitely a little more trippy.)
Fraggle Rock (Also a high percentage of puppets here, but a high percentage of real sets)

I like the taste of blood. Can I get a job that taps into this interest?

I see ice breakers as opportunities to find my soulmate.
I'm looking for a chocolate chip cookie dough, flying squirrel, teleportation, pineapple kind of guy.

Shark infestations are supposed to sound dangerous, but they really just sound gross.

Uteri

Knock-knock joke books are the ultimate failure, because the only good knock-knock jokes use physical humor.

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Interrupting giraffe
Interrupting gira--
*Joker makes wild giraffe-like motions*

Why adults don't play never have I ever:
Never have I ever fully recovered from losing my father to cancer
Never have I ever loved my second husband as much as my first
Never have I ever wanted a daughter
Never have I ever realized my full potential in my career

Also, because adults don't have friends.

I just thought of a joke that I would really like to make, except that it takes way too much set-up. I would have to play Feist's music on repeat, over and over again, until someone finally said something about wanting to change the music. And then I would say "What are you, the anti-Feist?"
hahahahahanot worth it.

When did I turn into the kind of person who drinks seltzer and reads non-fiction?
booooring!

Sorry for the continued computer humor. "Humor".

Please design an algorithm to determine Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Answer:
1) if i= SUM
2) then NAME= CARMEN
3) REPEAT 4-7 UNTIL you die
4) ------
5) ------
6) ------
7)ERROR! You'll never find her. She's too elusive

Fogedaboudit: Brizine Eighteen

I like being alone because it makes me the tannest person in the room. It allows me to be more delusional.
For example, right now I am sitting at my computer and, compared to the walls, I look completely tan. In this room Pee Wee Herman would think he was as tan as... JC at band camp last year. Yeah. That tan.




A huge vat of Brianna’s is very very different from a huge vat of Briannas.

Explanation: http://www.briannassaladdressing.com/

Titles for Lance Bass’s upcoming memoirs:

Bringin’ Da Boys
Pop (Out of the Closet)
When I Decide I’m Gay: That’s When I’ll Stop Loving You
I Thought Everybody Knew
Space Cowboy [Yippie-Yi-Yay] <--- didn’t have to alter that one at all. Remember when Lance wanted to go into space?





Talking about the new Pirates of the Carribbean movie:
Mom: Is that girl going to be in it?
Me: Keira Knightley
Dad: Good thing she’s not Isabella Priscilla
Me: Yes that’s really handy... What are you talking about?
Dad: Because then she’d be I. P.

Top 9 Pros of Living Alone

You can burst into a spontaneous dance party whenever the mood strikes, just like your info says, without embarrassment

Nobody will secretly put in the last five pieces of that jigsaw puzzle you spent a month working on, unless your friends are huge jerks.

You can set up dominoes all over and test your elfin walking skillz... and if you’re truly light on your feet you can leave them up for a week.

Air guitar time is all the time

It’s much easier to keep track of whose stuff is whose. Whatever it is, it’s yours.

Hypothetically, if you wanted to, you could create your own imaginary kingdom where you were ruler inside of your house and there would be no one to challenge you.

You can Stevie G it in the house whenever you want, unless you have a chandelier... which you don’t.

Nobody can argue that the giant candy bar you created in art class in grade 8 is not worthy of being displayed in a place of honor.

There are never unidentified persons sleeping in your basement when you wake up... hopefully



“I used to spend a week just breathing”
-Treebeard

trippy man.


I don’t really consider myself to be an average teenager, at least not when it comes to fighting with my parents. Sure, sometimes we have communication issues, but we don’t do the typical teen movie kind of quarreling: “There is no way you’re leaving the house looking like that young lady”; “But everybody’s doing it!”; “Because I said so, that’s why.”
However, there is one thing I really can’t help but love: A weather fight. Right now (when I was writing this) Ontario is experiencing a big heat wave... apparently. I don’t know why, but for some reason I don’t feel it. It’s a bit weird, really. I sit at the dinner table listening to my family categorize their sweat levels anywhere from rivulets to a flash flood warning. As a test I wipe my brow. Nothing. It is proclaimed, for the 420th time this hour, that there is no breeze. It would be so much nicer if there were a breeze. So as I said before, I really can’t help it. It’s irresistible at this point. The straw that breaks the dromedary’s back comes with the plans for the evening. They run somewhere along the lines of: eat dessert- a choice of ice cream or just ice; go for a boat ride at full speed to create an artificial breeze (It would be so much nicer if there were a breeze); swim in the lake; sit on the dock and fan ourselves; swim again; tape ice cubes all over ourselves; languish.
If you were sitting there just wondering what the heck had gotten into everyone’s inner thermostats, you would snap too. So I drop my fork on my plate, muster my most typically teenage aggravated voice and say, “Gawd, it’s not that hot!” Maybe the most appealing thing about a weather fight is that you really can’t have a fight. You always have to agree to disagree in the end. I guess I just enjoy a good couple of minutes trying to convince my family that what they feel is wrong... them and the rest of the province.
Tomorrow I’m taking on the thermometer.



To discourage people from not posting a pic of themselves on facebook the infamous question mark will be replaced by Aaron Carter. Or Jabba the Hutt.

Also, a “Favorite methods of stalking” category will be added.




Some things I shouldn’t do while on vacation:

-check facebook
-talk/think about facebook

-watch crappy reality TV shows like Rockstar: Supernova, with crappy and/or creepy hosts like Dave Navarro

-read newspaper articles about pedophiles (gives me nightmares)

-do the same puzzle more than six times

-wonder what happened on the season finale of The Hills

-read any book that talks about intimidatingly large wild animals attacking people in the woods at night... apparently this amplifies my already irrationally large fear of raccoons, and can make waling between cottages at night a bit too exciting

-read Little Men a-freaking-gain. Or any more Agatha Christie mysteries. Or anything by Dr. Seuss

-wear shoes. Or socks. Ew.




Maybe the plural of campus should be campi.

Up Up and Away! Brizine Seventeen

Introducing: Kalan Porter

I want you all to carefully observe this lovely mini image gallery. This is Kalan Porter. Now, think carefully about what you think his voice would sound like.




http://www.kalanporter.com/multimedia.html
then head there and check out In Spite of it All (Kalan’s hot new video!) under Current Video Features.

Do it now! Before you read on!

And, like, wo.
Kalan was the 2004 winner of Canadian Idol (I bet you didn’t even know that existed). And he’s 19. And he’s got a really surprising deep voice. And I love him a little bit.







Don’t you just LOVE when people highlight their textbooks? And then you have to read them? And the highlighting is totally illogical? Yeah. Love it.
There are a couple different styles of illogical highlighting.

I Want the Whole Page to be the Same Color Highlighting (AKA My Hand is Too Heavy to Lift Highlighting)- entire paragraphs, pages, or chapters are highlighted. Kinda Sorta defeats the whole purpose of highlighting. A little bit.

My Highlighter Ran Out of Ink Highlighting- It’s a big textbook. If you keep doing that “I Want the Whole Page to be the Same Color” stuff you’re definitely going to run out of ink eventually. What do you do then? Some would say get a new highlighter. The owner of my Euro book would say “Underline!” Yup. Underline. With pen. When using this technique it is advised to have a very steady hand. Otherwise, you end up with large portions of text... crossed out. I guess that could be some kind of reverse psychology – I want to read it more because I can’t see it?

Not Quite Getting the Point Highlighting- Good, now we’re not highlighting as much. But, sometimes that’s not quite enough. Sometimes we need to pay attention to content. Otherwise we get highlighted portions that say things like:
No male heir aristocratic outlook
Any form of honest work was pleasing in the sight of God.
“livery and maintenance,”
painting, sculpture, and architecture
virtù, the quality of being a man
bridges were built a...
timeless values and personal salvation
heavier plow
harnessing horses

If you were paying close attention, you probably already knew that those sections are taken from A History of the Modern World, my European History textbook. And you probably noticed that I was flipping backwards.

Actually, I would be amazed if you could decipher anything from those words... other than that the previous owner of my text was paying 0 attention to what they were reading.
Just Plain Random Highlighting- At one point in my Euro book it definitely seems that the owner went into convulsions. Orrrr got really bored. They just highlighted punctuation marks. And random letters. Ummm yeah.






H3.
The smaller hummer.
But still too big to parallel park in Sewickley.







Martha Stewart gets on my nerves.
Am I alone on this one? Come on everybody, you’re with me, right? She’s just... *shudder*.








Do optical illusions ever make you feel stupid?
They ask you “Which line is longer?”
And you look at it. It’s pretty obvious. That line on the left definitely looks longer.
You look up the answer. They’re the same.
Shoot. You were wrong. You even thought the answer was obvious. You got it wrong though. You LOSER.
So then you try another one. “Are the sides of this square caving in?” they ask.
You think about this one more carefully.
It sure looks like they’re caving in. But are they really? You know this is an optical illusion. So in your mind you decide that No, the sides are not caving in.
You look up the answer. You got it right!
But wait... that wasn’t fun.

Optical illusions still make me feel stupid.







http://www.cryingwhileeating.com/
the internet should be a nonrenewable resource. Then maybe we wouldn’t waste it like this.







Colour Crisis [please ignore the different spellings. This is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to my best Canadian friend, and I was too lazy to change the spellings.]

I’m having a minor crisis in my life right now. Extremely minor. I lost my favourite colour. I’ll explain that. My favourite colour has been blue for as long as I can remember. I don’t think I had a favourite colour at all before blue came along. I thought they were silly. There was a long period in my life when blue was a big part of my life. I had a lot of blue clothes. I had blue walls, blue sheets, the list goes on! But suddenly I’ve realized... I don’t think blue really does it for me anymore. It doesn’t mean more to me than the other colours. But I don’t know what to do! I don’t have another favourite colour as back-up! I don’t know what I’ll say if someone asks what my favourite colour is. Actually, I’d probably tell them this whole dilemma. They’d probably get scared and run away. Please don’t run away! I’m telling you all this because I want to know if you have any advice for me. I need your help!!

No seriously. If you have any advice, IM me or e-mail me. If you don’t have my e-mail... IM me.




In the News


Over 38 years Edmond Knowles of Flomaton, Alabama, collected $13,804.59 in pennies. The gas-station owner recently deposited them at a local bank. George White, a spokesman for Coinstar Inc, said the amount Mr. Knowles collected is about the same amount as passes through a person’s hands over the years. “Ed just took the time to close his hand,” he added.

Does anyone remember when Mr. Surloff told us that he throws his change away? He doesn’t want to bother with it, so he just ditches it somewhere and never touches it again.

According to Coinstar, there's more than $10.5 billion in loose change sitting idle in American homes.

Nice move Mr. Surloff.







My favorite newspaper article from this summer (see if you can pinpoint why I like it so much. Please don’t think I’m really mean):

Teen on life support after motorcycle accident

An 18-year-old girl was on life support last night after being thrown fromthe back of her boyfriend's motorcycle and suffering massive head injuries.The girl's parents were on their way back from a vacation in Portugal lastnight to be with their daughter, police said.Her boyfriend, 22-year-old Carlos Silva of Gilmour, Ont., has been chargedwith dangerous operation of a motor vehicle causing bodily harm.Police say Mr. Silva was showing off by popping a wheelie when the accidenthappened.

Haha did you see that?
Popping a wheelie.
Good one.
You see, I love when news reports that are trying to be very official are forced to use slang. It just makes the whole thing awkward. And that entertains me.
Is it wrong to be laughing at this article?









See? That wasn’t so bad!